I wanted to take some time to back it up a little and tell you all about my journey becoming a mother... Boy was this road bumpy. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, we are high school sweet hearts, married 9 of those years. We always knew that after college and buying a house that we wanted a family, a big family. I am the eldest of 5 and he is an only child, so we decided that someplace in the middle is where we wanted to be.
We didn't actually start thinking and preparing for a family until about 5 years ago, I am currently 27 so around 22 I started seriously being like OK!!! its time! After trying on our own for along time we decided that perhaps it was time to see someone to figure out what was not happening. I was told that I have polysistic ovarian syndrome, basically it makes my mental cycle all blah so I don't ovulate or I do at weird times. At 22 I basically took this as okay well we'll see what happens I guess. Than as the years were progressing and nothing was happening I started to get kind of frustrated thinking that maybe we were going to need to go a step further and think about seeing a fertility doctor.
Than in December of 2008 I knew something was different and on January 7, 2009 I had a home pregnancy test... I took about 10 tests, because I knew my body before the test would become positive, than I took 2 home pregnancy tests because I was for sure thinking it was a false negative... than I went to the doctor and made him to a test and sure enough my little peanut was in there!
I definitely think of my daughter as a miracle, for someone who was told that I would probably not be able to have kids on my own this was such a wonderful surprise and blessing. Everything in my pregnancy was going great, I loved being pregnant, I loved feeling the flutters and the eventual kicking. I talked to her everyday (actually I was convinced she was a boy at the beginning) but none the less I talked and played music, started buying baby things, started picking out names. We started working on the baby's room pretty early on because I wanted everything to be perfect (there's that word again, if you've read any of my previous blogs you'll see I got over this ideal or perfect or I'm trying to).
At 33 weeks I started to have a really bad cough, we actually went on vacation to Niagara Falls on July 12 and I was feeling terrible by the end of the trip. Mind you camping at 33 weeks pregnant was a BAD idea! Any who, when we came home from camping, I went to see the doctor because I literally thought I was going to cough my baby up because it was soo bad. He said everything was fine.........
It wasn't.. two days later I ended up in the emergency room being told I needed to be transported to a bigger hospital because they were going to be doing an emergency c-section (oh that's right you having your baby NOW) and that I have congestive heart failure.. WHHHHHHHAAAAAATTTT <---that's what was going on in my mind. On Saturday night I spent the night in the local emergency room, Sunday morning I was transported to bigger hospital everything became a blurr from the morning until I was on the table and they were cutting me open, all I remember was that they wouldn't let my husband come in the room which made me hysterical, and there was this anesthesiologist that was so nice he kept rubbing my arm and saying its okay and talking to me the whole time. I remember some tugging and pulling and than they said "the baby is out" and I said "its still a girl right?"
My husband says they showed me the baby and I kissed her, he says I called people and sent out text messages saying that we welcomed our baby girl. But I don't have any memory of any of it. After having my daughter I was put into an induced coma because of the heart failure fluids were backing up into my lungs making it impossible to breath they needed to incubate me so that they could get all the fluid out. A normal heart beats at an EF (ejection fraction) of 60%-65%. After having my daughter mine was at a 5%.
When I woke up from the induced coma a week later, A WEEK! the first WEEK of my babies life!!! I was getting better, still had an EF of 5% but I was able to breath off of the tubes. They brought my daughter to see me once in the ICU (where I was) she was in the NICU but healthy just small and needed the first night to be on a breathing machine. The first time I really remember seeing her was when I got to go to the NICU and I remember thinking she's so small 4lbs! How am I going to take care of this little baby, I cried. Cried because I was meeting her after a week, cried because I didn't know how to take care of her, cried because my husband had the week from hell, overjoyed at becoming a father... grief stricken over watching me in a coma for a week... wondering the halls of the hospital back and forth from her to me. I cried because they said I was going to need a defibrillator. I cried because this joyous time, this most special moment in my life was ripped out of my hands before I even had a chance to touch it.
After 14 days in the hospital, we both came home. I came home 4 days before my daughter I think because they wanted to give me time to settle in. At home my EF was still 5%. I was going to need intensive cardiology care, medication, and prayers. When we brought our baby home it was the best feeling for us all to finally be home under one roof, finally able to start living as the family I had thought we were going to be.
Over the next year my heart got stronger it is now at 60%! I still am on medicine to help it heal and stay strong but it continues to get better. I was diagnosed with postpartum cardiomyopathy, such a mouth full. I can't watch people having babies on TV, I HATE heart commercials, I hate when they show someone from congestive heart failure dying. It makes me cry, I know I'm okay now... but I wasn't than. Its so much to get over, its so much to be able to put a happy face on over such a messed up situation that was suppose to be one of the happiest times of my life. I still feel like everyday I am making up for the week I lost. A lot of people don't understand that, but for me having my baby in the NICU and not being there that first week to foster, nurture and cherish her is forever going to be the most regrettable thing in my life.
The ONLY thing that gets me through is my daughter, she is 2 years old now happy, healthy, strong, and beautiful!
Now 2 years later we are thinking of having another, I've started to speak with the cardiologist and high risk OB. There is no telling with cardiomyopathy if it will come back or not, the only thing I can do is arm myself with the best doctors, stay healthy and pray.
No comments:
Post a Comment